A love letter to Love

by Daryl D. Tan

Growing up, I constantly encountered the phrase "God is love". This phrase is from the First Epistle of John (4:16) in the Holy Scriptures. Frankly speaking, I didn't like it very much as a way of explaining God's nature. I found it too simplistic and unsatisfactory and it did not make much sense to me at the time. I yearned for something more comprehensive and deep to understand God and as a result, I turned to a prominent Doctor of the Church, St. Thomas Aquinas, for the more complex answers I desired.

Studying Aquinas and his theory on the existence of God (the 'Five Ways') did not disappoint at all, and thanks to his comprehensive and rationally sound theory on the nature of God, I found myself convinced and returned to the faith. Notwithstanding this, I eventually came to appreciate the so-called 'simpler' explanations of God's nature as time passed, and it all began when I inadvertently provided my definition of what love is during a conversation I had with an ex-colleague some time ago.

As one would know, love is one of those abstract things that people can't really seem to explain too well. Some define "love" as being a "feeling" one has in the stomach, an experience of positive thoughts, a deep sense of care, etc. Sure. It's not that I don't agree with those descriptions of love, but I believe those are by-products of what love is. So what is love?

My ex-colleague was lamenting to me about the state of the relationship with her boyfriend and how she felt that he wasn't appreciative enough of her efforts to be a good girlfriend. She felt that she was getting the short end of the stick, and that love ought to be a two-way street. Basically to her, love is something that should be conditional.

For some reason, something stirred within me to tell her that true love is not conditional. I told her - "Love is sacrifice".

To this day, I have no clue what made me say the above so authoritatively, or made me even realize it, but I said it, and when I did - everything clicked for me in an instant. The line in 1 John 4:16 began to make sense, because if "Love is sacrifice", then God - who sent his only begotten son to die for our sins - is Sacrifice, therefore - God who sacrificed his son for the sake of humanity is love. Ergo, God is love.

There are no conditions attached to true love, which is why it's extremely difficult to truly love someone. True love is unconditional; true love is doing something for the good of another without expecting anything in return. Of course it's nice to be shown appreciation and gratitude for your efforts, but if appreciation is a primary condition attached to your efforts to do good for another - then it is not pure and true and real love, it's transactional. True love is love freely given; love is sacrifice - sacrificing one's ego, one's desires, one's pleasures, for the goodwill of another.

Ever since Mom passed away last month, I have been spending most of my time reflecting and meditating on her love for me, and while I have my bitter moments - especially when I think about how I'm so young to have lost the most important person in my life, someone who wasn't just a mother, but literally a best friend and mentor as well, I do have moments when I am grateful too. Writing this and reflecting on her is one such moment.

I am grateful to have experienced true love as defined above.

Mom was the most selfless person I ever knew. I will never forget an incident when I was 11 or 12 years old. I was supposed to stay over at a friend's house, but in the middle of the night, I suddenly decided that I wanted to go home. I remember calling Mom on the phone and telling her that I wanted to be picked up immediately.

Mom was in the middle of sleeping, but without any questions asked - she put down the phone, got dressed, and drove to my friend's house to pick me up. The car ride back home was quiet. She was obviously upset that I had woken her up in the middle of the night; I had done something very selfish - I was a bratty little child and I was spoilt. I didn't know a thing or two about appreciation then, but Mom didn't care whether I appreciated what she was doing for me at the time. She came to pick me up - despite being tired and clearly upset - because she loved me.

I never forgot this incident because as I grew up and started to learn more about life, I began to remember and appreciate every little thing that Mom did for me.

Mom could have led a different lifestyle, but she did not. Her life was singularly devoted to raising my sister and I. She made sure that we had fresh and warm food to eat, that we were well taken care of whenever we fell sick, that our school bills were paid on time, that she knew every one of our friend's names, and that she would be there for us emotionally whenever we were heartbroken or feeling down.

Even when I started working and giving her money every month, she would use the money that I had given to her - as a token of appreciation for everything she had done for me - to buy food from the wet market to cook me my favourite meals after a long day at work. Mom didn't stop, and neither did she ever want to stop, sacrificing for me. She could have used the money to do her hair, to buy new clothes, but she chose to use the money to splurge on me instead.

I always felt so much love from her, and I desired very much to love her the same way she loved me. One incident, in particular, made me realise my capacity for truly loving someone else - and I'm glad it was my Mother who was on the receiving end.

I visited Kyoto with my Mom and sister in 2018. My sister was busy on one of the days we were there, so my Mom and I decided that we would spend the day visiting a tourist spot on our own. We settled on Fushimi-Inari, a shrine which sits at the base of a mountain - tourists often taking roughly 2 hours to reach its peak.

Like the other tourists there, we decided to hike to the top but Mom got tired halfway up. She was already a little old (in her early 60s) to be climbing the stairs all the way to the top, so she decided to stop at one of the checkpoints. As we were already halfway up, there was no proper place for her to rest, so she told me that she would wait by the steps for me and that I should go all the way up myself, take some pictures, and then rejoin her at the checkpoint.

I hesitatingly agreed and I proceeded to hike further up, but as I continued, I started feeling worried for Mom because she was all by herself. I couldn't bear to leave her there all alone, and so I descended the stairs to rejoin her. I have never regretted this decision, ever. I did not reach the physical peak of the mountain, but that didn’t matter to me at that point, because I reached the peak of my love and devotion to Mom. I would rather have been with Mom and to have made sure she was okay, which I did, than to have ascended the top of any mountain just for some scenic shots that really wouldn't have meant that much in the grand scheme of things.

I believe Mom was touched, but in that moment, a very special moment in my life, I finally got to experience what it was like to truly love the same way Mom had been truly loving me all this while.

To have experienced such love - unadulterated, pure, real and true, is a gift for which I am grateful, because in the same vein - since God is love, and I have experienced true love, then I have experienced God, and now I know God.

I won't deny that I will grieve for the rest of my life, but I will have to painfully learn how to cope. One thing that helps me cope is that I’m constantly reminded by my surroundings of how much Mom loves me. Everything that Mom taught me remains with me. Every memory that I have of Mom resides within my heart. Love is eternal, because God is eternal, and I still feel the outpouring of love from Mom each and every single day.

And thus I end this post with a paragraph from St. John Chrysostom's 'Letter to a Young Widow' which resonates with me strongly:

"But perhaps you long to hear his words, and enjoy the affection which you bestowed upon him, and you yearn for his society, and the glory which you had on his account, and the splendour, and honour, and security, and all these things being gone distress and darken your life. Well! The affection which you bestowed on him you can keep now just as you formerly did.

For such is the power of love, it embraces, and unites, and fastens together not only those who are present, and near, and visible but also those who are far distant; and neither length of time, nor separation in space, or anything else of that kind can break up and sunder in pieces the affection of the soul."